


Death By Fire

by sciderman



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, First Meeting, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-06
Updated: 2016-01-06
Packaged: 2018-05-12 05:25:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5654041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sciderman/pseuds/sciderman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peter Parker has an infestation problem. (One shot response to a prompt.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Death By Fire

**Author's Note:**

> Based on [this prompt](http://dailyau.tumblr.com/post/135730404896/you-showed-up-at-my-apartment-in-response-to-my).

“I’m here about your Craigslist ad?” 

 

“You––  _ uh.” _

 

Peter stood back and gawked at the man that stood at his doorstep. He was tall, firmly built, and, most notably, decked to his teeth with more weapons than an army tank. He looked like he was ready to face a horde of zombies. Or, perhaps, he might’ve already faced one. His face was spread with scarring, which cast on down his neck, and presumably, his body. 

 

The strange, highly weaponized man leant down, aim to shake the younger man out of his stare. 

 

“I’ll take care of your little problem, buddy. I’m the best there is at what I do.” The man spoke, with a deep, gravelly  _ mystery  _ to his voice. 

 

With that, he pushed on through into Peter’s apartment, Peter stumbling out of his way, dodging the many utilities the man was carrying on his person. Which included 6 cans of lighter fluid strapped to a belt slung around his waist, and an apparent  _ flame thrower _ . 

 

“You, uh–– you  _ read _ the ad, didn’t you?”

 

“Exactly. That’s why I rushed over. We’ve gotta act  _ immediately _ .” 

 

The man trudged his way through the living room of Peter’s humble abode, taking in all the details like he were stepping into a warzone, eyes darting every which way, as though threat lurked at every corner. The heavy boots he wore left crumbs of dried mud on Peter’s carpet, which Peter scrutinized with great disapproval. 

 

“And you said your name was?” 

 

“ _ Wilson _ . Wade Wilson.” The man’s head perked, pursed lips and wide eyes surveying the scene, squinting at every corner. Peter was in awe of just how comically cartoonish it was, the way Wade moved his face. 

 

“Okay,  _ Wilson Wade Wilson _ . She’s out on the balcony.” 

 

To which Wade instantly pressed his face against the glass sliding door, shifty eyes hunting for the villain. 

 

Peter slid the door open, Wade’s face still firmly pressed the glass surface as he peered outside. Peter grumbled, a little amused and a little  _ frustrated  _ with having to deal with this comedian. He’ll probably end up paying extra for the show. 

 

When Wade peeled his face from the glass at last to peek through the now open doorway, a scandalised gasp escaped his mouth as he caught sight of the scoundrel. 

 

It was horrific, Wade had to hold back a shrill scream. 

 

Very  _ offensively  _ perched on the right wall of the area, separating the balcony from the neighbours. Thin, dangerous legs nursing a ticking time-bomb. 

 

A black widow spider, about the size of my  _ head _ , Wade thought. 

 

It was really about the average size of a black widow, but fear adds 12 inches. 

 

This would take all Wade’s got.  _ All _ his firepower. This thing would  _ not _ be making it out alive. 

 

“I’d prefer if you’d remove her carefully.” Peter said, coolly. “Her cocoon too, I’d prefer not be dealing with hundreds of little baby widows, please.” 

 

“ _ Hundreds _ of  _ baby widows? _ ” Wade’s voice was in panic. 

 

He was going to light the bastards up.

 

He flung his equipment down, bringing the flamethrower into his hands, with tight, determined grip. 

 

“Wh-what are you doing?” Peter stood back, filling with concern. 

 

_ “Removing _ them.” Wade said darkly, like some sort of ridiculous action hero, preparing to eradicate the problem by fire. 

 

“Jesus! _ No _ , dude!” Peter grabbed at Wade’s shoulder, “You don’t have to kill them!” 

 

Wade looked at Peter as though he were insane.

 

“And for  _ God’s  _ sake, you are not using a  _ flamethrower  _ on my balcony!” 

 

The widow twitched, her cocoon wobbling, eventually breaking free from it’s hold in the widow’s web. It crashed softly to the floor, Wade and Peter’s eyes both fixed on the discarded cocoon, consumed with horror. 

 

A deathly silence, dread building between the two before the mass of dark evil emerged from the cocoon, scattering like an army sent straight from hell. 

 

Peter and Wade screamed in unison, throwing themselves both back against the opposing wall, clinging to each other in unparallelled fear. Wade had almost leapt straight into Peter’s arms, and exclaimed  _ Zoinks!  _

 

“Fire! Fire!  _ Fire! _ ” Peter screeched, practically coiling himself around Wade’s arm. Wade fumbled trying to get a proper hold of the contraption, with Peter’s having commandeered his good arm and shaking it about profusely. 

 

All the while the arachnababies were spreading like a black disease, taking claim of the other half of the balcony.

 

Wade dropped his weapon in his panic, quickly scrambling to grab it again, before dousing the infestation with unforgiving flame, screaming all the while, eyes screwed shut as though that’d make the process any less horrific. Peter pressed tight against the wall, onlooking in  _ awe _ . 

 

The spider-children were  _ flambayed _ by burst after burst of searing flame. Their mother, in retaliation, swung to the to the balcony edge, scurrying her way down the metal bar while Wade was occupied with eliminating her spawn of  _ death _ . 

 

“Wade!  _ Wade! _ ” Peter screamed, pointing directly to the scornful mother. Peter’s vocabulary was limited, during this moment of extreme stress. 

 

Wade span, directly facing momma spider, ready to set phasers to scorch, but she had leaped off the balcony and into the foliage three floors below before Wade could get her. 

 

Cautious, Wade peered over the ledge of the balcony, heaving breaths in desperate attempts to make up for the oxygen the fire had stolen from him. 

 

She is gone. 

 

She lives another day. 

 

She will exact her revenge. Do spiders hold grudges? She looked like a lady with a grudge. Hell know no fury like a woman scorned. Even if it’s a spider. 

 

_ “She got away.” _ Wade said, looking intensely into the distance, he was really over-playing this action-hero schtick. 

 

Peter was coming down from his panic, still folded in on himself tightly in a corner, looking at Wade in wonder. 

 

“But  _ she’ll be back _ . It’s not safe here.” Wade grabbed Peter’s arm, dragging him inside, Peter limply following, face completely frozen in a state of astonishment. Wade placed both hands on Peter’s shoulders, looking at him as though his very life were at stake. 

 

“I can take you somewhere safe. For lunch. Right now.” 

 

Peter was silent, mouth agape.  _ Processing _ . His bemusement softly turned to amusement, open mouth curling into a smile, eyebrows raised in an expression of  _ “Really?”  _

 

“Are you coming onto me?” 

 

“Well, I  _ can _ be, if you want me to.” 

 

Peter snorted. 

 

_ “Okay.”  _

 

Wade paused for a moment. Obviously surprised. 

 

“Wait, is that an okay to  _ lunch _ , or is that an  _ okay _ about me coming onto––” 

 

“A female black widow spider-bite can be lethal.” Peter spoke up, matter-of-factly. His voice softened. “ _ Keep me safe _ .” 

 

Wade grinned, laying his arm over Peter’s shoulders, walking with him to the front door. 

  
“With my  _ life _ , baby boy.”


End file.
